Last week I read an article about Kristen Bell and how she did not feel bonded with her daughter till after she was born. Many people were shocked by this and thought it was very "controversial". In case you don't know who Kristen Bell is she is an actress who has starred in many movies (one of my favorites is Couples Retreat) and was also the star of the TV show Veronica Mars.
"I love people the more I know them, and I didn't know her. It could've
been a water bottle in my belly, that's about how connected I felt to
her during my pregnancy ... But within about 24 hours after she came
out, my hormones reset, and they reprogrammed my feelings about her."
"I kept saying to Dax in all sincerity during my pregnancy, "I just don't
know how I'm going to like her as much as I like the dogs." I was being
serious ... Because I f--king love my dogs; they are my children."
I can see why people were shocked by what she said. Not because there is anything wrong with what she said though. Just that she was honest about her feelings. Many people picture pregnancy as this big glowing beautiful thing but for some this isn't the case. The circumstances around how you became pregnant can affect your feelings and how uncomfortable you are while pregnant can also affect the bonding experience.
I have two children and two different bonding experiences. My daughter T baby was one of those glowing beautiful pregnancies from day one. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I was in love and couldn't wait to meet my child. Every day was filled with thoughts of my unborn child and planning for her to enter our lives. Having a child had been a dream of mine for many years. I couldn't wait to be a mother. A and I did not expect to have troubles getting pregnant but sure enough the months turned into years and finally at almost three years we were able to conceive! I can't even go into how much it sucks to not get pregnant when you are trying. It just plain sucks! Not something someone can understand unless they have been through it. So when I finally got pregnant you can imagine how blessed we felt. We were so happy and excited! We couldn't wait. I researched everything like crazy from diapers to cribs. I researched and dreamed about my plans of a natural birth. I couldn't wait. My pregnancy was also very easy. I never had any major complications and was pretty comfortable (until the last few weeks because I was huge). So with only the minor discomforts of pregnancy and then a very fast/intense labor, I couldn't really complain. So by the time I got to hold T baby in my arms there was nothing but complete awe and the bond was already there.
With O baby however things were a bit different.. Since T took a while to conceive we were very surprised when we got pregnant with number two in a just a matter of months. T baby was only about 15 months old. The first few weeks weren't so bad. However already from the beginning I didn't have time to just sit and day dream about my new baby I was carrying. I had a busy little toddler to take care of! Boy did she keep me distracted from thoughts of my pregnancy! Then of course the all day nausea kicked in and while it wasn't much different than my last pregnancy it was MUCH harder to deal with when you have another human being to take care of! I was exhausted and so thankful I could nap with T baby pretty often. Kudos to the moms who work outside the home! In my first pregnancy I suffered from SPD (early release of the hormone relaxin which causes your pelvic joints to loosen as they would for child birth) but it didn't start till 34 weeks and was only really bad for about one week. Well second pregnancy it started at about 16 weeks! While it wasn't as intense as it was during that one week of pregnancy it still hurt and it didn't go away until I gave birth! Just rolling over in bed was painful! No fun for sure. The bond didn't happen right away with O baby.. I was so distracted by the discomfort and the toddler it was hard to realize there was a new beautiful baby growing inside of me. I of course loved him but I just didn't feel much for him honestly. We had a scare around 14 weeks when the midwife didn't hear the heart beat. I cried because I felt so guilty that I hadn't felt more bonded with the baby.. I thought we had lost him.. They sent me for an u/s and it was such a relief to see that fast little heart beat and the squirmy little BOY! Yes we found out very early he was a he:)
Finding out the baby was a boy did help with making the pregnancy feel more real which actually added to my anxiety a bit. How in the world could I handle two kids!! I started to feel very unprepared which then added to the lack of bonding. The bond honestly didn't really happen with O baby till he was about a week old and we finally had established breastfeeding. I had thought breastfeeding would come pretty easily since I had only stopped breastfeeding about 5 months before but that wasn't the case. It definitely got figured out much quicker and once I healed and we had it down the bonding began. Now I just adore that baby boy! He is so wrapped up in my heart words can't even express it!
So I am glad the lovely Kristen Bell spoke out honestly about her feelings. Mothers need to be honest and not feel bad and keep these things inside. I think holding them in is what can cause mothers to become so depressed. They get scared of their own feelings and question their ability to be a mother. Instead lets all be honest and help these other mothers out:) When did you bond with your baby?
And for the record bonding with your baby is not the same as loving your child. At least I don't think so. I loved O baby very much I just didn't feel that connection like he was really mine. If that makes sense.
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