The one about bonding.

Last week I read an article about Kristen Bell and how she did not feel bonded with her daughter till after she was born.  Many people were shocked by this and thought it was very "controversial".  In case you don't know who Kristen Bell is she is an actress who has starred in many movies (one of my favorites is Couples Retreat) and was also the star of the TV show Veronica Mars.

"I love people the more I know them, and I didn't know her. It could've been a water bottle in my belly, that's about how connected I felt to her during my pregnancy ... But within about 24 hours after she came out, my hormones reset, and they reprogrammed my feelings about her."

"I kept saying to Dax in all sincerity during my pregnancy, "I just don't know how I'm going to like her as much as I like the dogs." I was being serious ... Because I f--king love my dogs; they are my children."

I can see why people were shocked by what she said.  Not because there is anything wrong with what she said though.  Just that she was honest about her feelings.  Many people picture pregnancy as this big glowing beautiful thing but for some this isn't the case.  The circumstances around how you became pregnant can affect your feelings and how uncomfortable you are while pregnant can also affect the bonding experience.


I have two children and two different bonding experiences.  My daughter T baby was one of those glowing beautiful pregnancies from day one.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I was in love and couldn't wait to meet my child.  Every day was filled with thoughts of my unborn child and planning for her to enter our lives.  Having a child had been a dream of mine for many years.  I couldn't wait to be a mother.  A and I did not expect to have troubles getting pregnant but sure enough the months turned into years and finally at almost three years we were able to conceive!  I can't even go into how much it sucks to not get pregnant when you are trying.  It just plain sucks!  Not something someone can understand unless they have been through it.  So when I finally got pregnant you can imagine how blessed we felt.  We were so happy and excited!  We couldn't wait.  I researched everything like crazy from diapers to cribs.  I researched and dreamed about my plans of a natural birth.  I couldn't wait.  My pregnancy was also very easy.  I never had any major complications and was pretty comfortable (until the last few weeks because I was huge).  So with only the minor discomforts of pregnancy and then a very fast/intense labor, I couldn't really complain.  So by the time I got to hold T baby in my arms there was nothing but complete awe and the bond was already there. 

With O baby however things were a bit different..  Since T took a while to conceive we were very surprised when we got pregnant with number two in a just a matter of months.  T baby was only about 15 months old.  The first few weeks weren't so bad.  However already from the beginning I didn't have time to just sit and day dream about my new baby I was carrying.  I had a busy little toddler to take care of!  Boy did she keep me distracted from thoughts of my pregnancy!  Then of course the all day nausea kicked in and while it wasn't much different than my last pregnancy it was MUCH harder to deal with when you have another human being to take care of!  I was exhausted and so thankful I could nap with T baby pretty often.  Kudos to the moms who work outside the home!  In my first pregnancy I suffered from SPD (early release of the hormone relaxin which causes your pelvic joints to loosen as they would for child birth) but it didn't start till 34 weeks and was only really bad for about one week.  Well second pregnancy it started at about 16 weeks!  While it wasn't as intense as it was during that one week of pregnancy it still hurt and it didn't go away until I gave birth!  Just rolling over in bed was painful! No fun for sure.  The bond didn't happen right away with O baby..  I was so distracted by the discomfort and the toddler it was hard to realize there was a new beautiful baby growing inside of me.  I of course loved him but I just didn't feel much for him honestly.  We had a scare around 14 weeks when the midwife didn't hear the heart beat.  I cried because I felt so guilty that I hadn't felt more bonded with the baby..  I thought we had lost him..  They sent me for an u/s and it was such a relief to see that fast little heart beat and the squirmy little BOY!  Yes we found out very early he was a he:) 

Finding out the baby was a boy did help with making the pregnancy feel more real which actually added to my anxiety a bit.  How in the world could I handle two kids!!  I started to feel very unprepared which then added to the lack of bonding.  The bond honestly didn't really happen with O baby till he was about a week old and we finally had established breastfeeding.  I had thought breastfeeding would come pretty easily since I had only stopped breastfeeding about 5 months before but that wasn't the case.  It definitely got figured out much quicker and once I healed and we had it down the bonding began.  Now I just adore that baby boy!  He is so wrapped up in my heart words can't even express it! 

So I am glad the lovely Kristen Bell spoke out honestly about her feelings.  Mothers need to be honest and not feel bad and keep these things inside.  I think holding them in is what can cause mothers to become so depressed.  They get scared of their own feelings and question their ability to be a mother.  Instead lets all be honest and help these other mothers out:)  When did you bond with your baby? 

And for the record bonding with your baby is not the same as loving your child.  At least I don't think so.  I loved O baby very much I just didn't feel that connection like he was really mine.  If that makes sense. 

The one about sleeping babies.

Last night after O baby had already gone to bed and we were winding down in the living room I held T baby in my arms and cuddled her on the couch.  She quickly fell asleep in my arms and I couldn't help but just stare at her.  My daughter is beautiful...  During the day it is hard for me to think of her as beautiful when she is sticky with food, throwing tantrums or fits,  screaming or whining for something, making so many messes and being absolutely silly.  During the day she is my silly rambunctious toddler..  Often times getting in trouble or testing my patience in some way.  Last night though when she was sleeping in my arms so quiet and peaceful I got to just look at her and take in her beauty...  Her beautiful blonde hair, her long dark eye lashes,  her pink little lips, and her cute little nose.  Her face is so symmetrical and perfect.  She looks so sweet when she is sleeping and so peaceful.  It is those moments where I am reminded of her as a baby.  Those moments are when I get flash backs to certain points in her short little history.  Her first smile, the first time she rolled over, the first time she laughed, when she crawled, when she took her first steps and so many more little memories can come back to me.  After I snuggled her and kissed her cheek (and she even smiled in her sleep) I scooped her up in my arms to take her to her bed.  I put her blankets over her and shut her door.  I was thankful for that moment and the memories it gave me.

Not much later as I was going to bed O baby woke up..  I quickly went to get him because I didn't want him to wake his sister up since they share a room now.  I decided since I was going to bed anyway I would just bring him with me.  We nurse in the night so this works out quite well for us.  After he finished nursing he fell asleep in my arms and I got to snuggle my second baby..  He looks so much like T baby did when she was little..  He drapes his little arm over me and makes the cutest little snore sounds.  He is also very beautiful..  However he isn't quite as busy as the toddler is during the day so I catch him looking beautiful many times throughout the day.  While looking at him and how beautiful he is I tell myself to really hold onto the moment because one day he will be that busy toddler..  One day he will scream and throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way.  One day he will get in trouble (a lot).  One day he will drive me crazy and I will have to wait for him to be asleep to be reminded of his beauty.  So I kiss his head and snuggle him and fall asleep with him in my arms.  Anytime he wakes up in the night I try to remind myself of this and give the top of his head a kiss while he is nursing.. 

Earlier yesterday I had a play date at my house and I felt the little pangs of jealousy as other mothers discussed how their children sleep through the night or go to sleep on their own.  Sometimes I wish my children would do that.  T baby sleeps through the night now that she is older but sometimes will wake up and come into bed with us.  We do cuddle her till she falls asleep for the night as well.  O baby still nurses anywhere from two to four times a night so I am pretty tired when they both wake up bright and early in the morning (thankful for a husband who understands this and lets me sleep in when he can). Sometimes I wish it wasn't so much work to get my children to sleep or I wish I could get some actual sleep through the night.  T baby was the same way so I am very used to being up in the night with my children.  I don't do cry it out.  If my children cry I go to them.  I am not a fan of cry it out.  I tried it once when T baby was younger and it broke my heart.  I decided the fact that it was hurting me so much to do was a sign that I shouldn't be doing it.  Now if it were a simple let them fuss for a bit and they would go to sleep that would be different.  They wouldn't do that though..  Well I am just guessing O would be like T and get so worked up he could hardly breathe.  Maybe some children can handle it but mine just get too worked up.

Last night as I was staring at my beautiful children I reminded myself that this is just one season of my life.  This season will not last long either..  It will be short in the grand scheme of things.  So instead of getting jealous of mothers who get to sleep through the night or just leave their kids in their room when its time for bed I will be happy that I get these precious extra moments with my children.  I get to feel them fall asleep in my arms.  I get to stare at them while they sleep.  I get to admire their beauty and peacefulness.  One day my children wont want me to cuddle them to sleep..  One day they wont even live at home.  One day they could be very far away from me.  When that happens I will miss these moments but be glad that I have these moments to miss.  I wont regret cuddling my children to sleep at night.  I wont regret that for a few years of my life I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked.  So for now I will just enjoy these moments and when others talk about how I should let them cry or how they should be sleeping in their own beds or through the night I will nod my head and smile but I wont change how we do things because I want to have these moments to remember one day.

So if you are like me and sometimes feel that jealousy of others who actually get to sleep just remind yourself how short this time of your life is.  Remind yourself that one day you wont have children in the house and then you can sleep as much as you like.  For now just enjoy your special moments with your children and remember some day they will be precious memories:)